Why We Repeat the Past?
From a psychoanalytic perspective there can be so much value in spending time in therapy talking about our earlier relationships. When we begin to spend some time looking at our earlier lives and relationships, it is not uncommon to see patterns with our adult relationships. What is theorized is that we tend to gravitate toward what is familiar to us, whether that is what is best for us can be another story. At a young age we can internalize so much of what is around us, leading us to develop beliefs about ourselves, others and the world. Many of these beliefs might not even be ones we are aware of consciously while others are so ingrained it's difficult to see another way. Freud coined the term "repetition compulsive" to explain the somewhat common phenomena of repeating patterns in our life, often ones that do not work for us even as we continue to age. This can take different forms but one of the most common forms I hear is in regards to relationships.
There are different reasons one might find themselves repeating unhelpful but familiar patterns. First, what is familiar to us is often more comfortable, at least in the short term. Second, sometimes we are seeking to replay something out later in life in an attempt to heal from something earlier on. This can look like finding yourself in the same types of relationships or dynamics. Examples could be consistently dating someone in which you feel unheard, unseen or uncared for in the relationship. It might be finding yourself in relationship after relationship in which you are the primary care taker.
Sometimes you might already be aware that you are dating the same person or develop the same type of friendships that are draining, in which case the next question is usually "how do I stop"? This can be tricky since each person is different and have potentially developed their patterns out of unique experiences of when they were younger. One's self esteem or lack of, can hinder the ability to course correct, which could benefit from some exploration and space to grow. You might find that there are even more beliefs connected to your fear of leaving or ending a relationship that does not feel healthy such as the fear of being alone or having difficulty trusting yourself. These are not cookie cutter experiences and are often incredibly nuanced. There might be a need to more fully acknowledge what was lost or felt in earlier relationships in order to make room for a different kind of relationship. The take away is that there can be an ability to gain enough awareness of yourself to first recognize pattens that are not serving you and secondly to interrupt them over time. If you are finding similar patterns in your relationships, whether that is in friendships, dating or career, psychodynamic therapy might be a place to begin to pull back the layers to truly see what might be occurring, why and to create room for change.
