Guilt Getting to You?

Is guilt a common feeling for you? Do you often feel guilty and sometimes don’t even know why? I find that the feeling of guilt comes up a lot for many of us, particularly if we tend to air on the side of being “people pleasers”, were parentified as children and/or struggle with a lack of control (ding ding, this one is almost universal). In these cases, it often shows up disproportionately, where we find ourselves feeling overly responsible for others in terms of their safety, health, choices, behaviors or feelings. We then walk around constantly feeling weighted down and heavy by the feeling of guilt, which only exacerbates as we find ourselves trying to control everything.

I find that guilt is also one of those emotions that is similar to anxiety in the way that it can take up so much space and sometimes mask what other feelings we might be feeling beneath it. In some ways those feelings that are being masked might have been too overwhelming or difficult to tolerate at an earlier point in our lives which could lead to the guilt becoming more encompassing. However, as we develop we might find that the guilt becomes quite a burden and with some support, we actually do have the capacity to start tolerating what difficult feelings might be underneath.

Guilt, similar to any other emotion, can give us information about a range of things from: what something means to us, what we might be needing or wanting and whether we are behaving in a way that aligns with us. In therapy, it can be important to slow down and explore whether our guilt is connected to something we actually did or did not do that is out of alignment with our values or sense of self. When we do notice that we feel guilty as a result of this, it gives us the opportunity to acknowledge what we did/didn’t do, offer remorse and change our course of actions in the future. This can be healing for ourselves and those we care about.

However, if you find that your feeling of guilt does not seem to be connected to a specific behavior (or lack of), it might be time to dig deeper here to examine if the feeling of guilt is actually just masking some more difficult, unresolved feelings. You might find that under your guilt, there is deep sadness for a set of circumstances that are out of your control. Or there might be feelings of guilt that have been masking your sense of loss of a relationship, the way the relationship once was or maybe the loss of what never was. There could also be so many, many other feelings connected to disproportionate guilt.

This is why talking with a therapist could be helpful as we often can’t see the trees through the forest. It is also important to note that sometimes we experience disproportionate guilt due to unresolved traumatic experiences, which can cause distorted (and untrue) beliefs about ourselves, which makes talking to someone even more essential. When you start to give some space and curiosity for the potential feelings underneath, over time your need (even unconscious) to mask them could lighten and you might start to find yourself feeling a little lighter. With a some support and guidance, you can begin to get more in touch with what you are actually feeling, so that guilt doesn’t continue to override your emotional world and life.